Weak at heart need not apply

Hello???  Is this thing on???

That's how I feel.  OFTEN.

Someone said to me today,"Cheer up!"  Believe me, I appreciate the effort and I know there are some people who genuinely care and I also know that some people try to make you feel better because it's a knee-jerk reaction for them.  It would be like walking next to someone laying on the street without helping them.  It just can't be done.  I want to be able to determine which are genuine. I can't seem to get it right. I have a hard time trusting.

Everyone wants to be happy, right? Why?  Things never go the way I want them to.  When I start to feel happy about something, the clock starts ticking.  It's never long before something takes that feeling away. I want to learn how to really "give in" to being happy, to really learning to "let go" and enjoy that feeling. Why?  If "happy" was a hill and the happier you are the "higher" you are, it just means that when the bubble bursts, the fall is that much harder.

Little things used to make me feel better.  I could brush my hair...get dressed...put on make-up....go to the salon....see a friend...get outside...move around....    These things could make me feel better.  Now not so much.  Now it either feels like I'm putting a band-aid on a gaping wound or that I am lying to myself.

My kids are the only ones I can put a strong face on for. They can get me to focus. No one else.  No one else needs me.  No one else really needs me. Gotta be real.  It's the truth.

How do I feel?  I feel insignificant.  I feel in the way.  I feel like people expect me to serve a purpose otherwise, my existence is insignificant.

Is this my depression talking?  I can't answer that.  Not til the cobwebs clear anyway.  I think there is a LOT of truth to what I am saying now even after the cobwebs clear.  Maybe I don't feel it in such an extreme way. I fight this every day.

Even now, this has taken me forever to write because I have typed and deleted over and over and over, because what I typed may seem too shocking or God forbid, I embarrass someone.  I am censoring myself.  This is the rated PG version, sorry.

I don't really know what's real.  I know who I am.  I know what I want.  I know what I want to be real.  It's everything around me that I question.  Sometimes those around me think that they know what's in my head or why I act or think the way I do.  I hate that so much.  How arrogant of anyone to think that they know me like that.

There are a lot of people "close" to me that think I should be positive all the time.  At least only post things that are positive.  My Facebook makes them cringe so I can only imagine what this blog makes them feel like.  But you know what?  I will reserve the right to censor myself.  No one else will have that power over me.  I am honest and I am real.  I am not here to be what you or anyone thinks I should be or portray.  We are all knee deep in shit, came out of shit, or shit is right around the corner.  I'm real with mine.  It doesn't define who I am.  Those that are turned off by this, can scroll past and it wont hurt me.  It's better that way.

this is my mess.

Is it real or is it Memorex????

People are really interesting.

I really do believe that deep down we are all good.  I do believe that deep down we are all loving and want the best for others.  I also believe that for some of us, deep down is REALLY deep and buried.  Buried so down deep that it's hard to reach or recognize.  This really makes me sad.  We are such intelligent beings that we are too smart for our own good.  We are so smart that we can twist any good intention into something ugly.  We can twist words and perception to create and justify almost anything.  It's sad, because as we all know, our perception is our reality.

Another thing I have noticed is that we all want to see the positive side.  Well, we all SAY that we do, but when someone points out to us that the negative perception we have is flawed or we are told that we simply misunderstood something, we fight it!  We actually say, "No!! You're wrong.  It is bad.  It is negative.  Even though the words came from YOUR mouth and the thoughts came from YOUR head, therefore logically, only YOU know the real reason behind them, I am telling you that you meant it negatively even though YOU are telling me YOUR thoughts were never negative.  I couldn't possibly have misinterpreted them.  YOU meant to be negative. I'm taking it negatively, therefore it IS negative and YOU are wrong in your own explanation of YOUR thoughts!"

Are you kidding me????

Let's be real.  I promised you that we were going to be real here, right?  We ALL do this. We dig in our heals because for some reason, it is better to be "right" then to be happy.  Wow...

And yet another thing I have noticed...the mirror.  Oh, the dreaded mirror.  No one likes to look in a mirror unless they are the ones holding it or they themselves walked up to it in the first place.  No one wants to look into a mirror when forced to or when they weren't ready for it.  The mirror is scary because it show imperfections, yes, but mostly because we get to see ourselves the way others see us.  Not always pretty, is it?  It's tough to face, but for those that do face it, you are able to not only admire what is appealing, but you are also able to identify what needs improvement.  We've all heard it!  You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.  Yeah, I said it.  I watched Dr Phil a few times.  We do whatever we can to avoid the mirror sometimes.  When I went through marriage counseling in my last marriage, I hated having to face and admit the things that I did to contaminate the relationship.  It was hard, but it was the only chance I had to grow and to change.  My ex, being the butt that he was...ahem (!), NEVER talked about himself in counseling.  He would clam up or leave the session entirely.  Needless to say, he hasn't changed and to this day thinks he has nothing to improve upon or to own up to.  We pull out all the stops to not have to face up to things unless we are READY to commit to change and the discomfort that goes along with it.  It's a fact and one that we cannot change: With change and growth comes discomfort. It's that fact that keeps many of us from breaking out of our routine and reaching our full potential.  Instead of facing the pain or discomfort, we find reasons to justify staying put.  We justify why we wont change. Put simply, we change our perception of the situation instead of changing the tough stuff. We blame circumstances. "I just don't have the time.  If I didn't have all of this to do, then I could focus more on...."  We blame other people.  "If you weren't so_____ maybe I could do this!! If you would be more supportive, I could do this!"  We use our fears as excuses.  "I just don't think this is for me.  I don't have that kind of luck."  This is just self-soothing crap that we have ALL fed ourselves at one time or other.  Why?  Because it's easier.  Are there things that are harder because of circumstances?  Yes!  Are there things that are harder because of people around us?  Yes!  Do we get in our own way?  YES!!!  But aren't these same excuses the whole REASON why we need to act instead of sit and accept??  "I am tired of having no time for the things I really want to focus on.  I may not be able to devote much time now, but I'm going to find the time here and there to devote to this so I can dig myself out."  "I am tired of people telling me I can't do what I want.  I won't let these people kill my dreams and control my mindset.  I am going to SHOW all of them what I am capable of and show myself in the process."  "I am not a good speaker.  I get nervous, but the only way to get over it is to DO it.  I will learn from those that are already doing it and I will copy them until I am one of them!!  I wont accept this is my best.  I can do more!"

Our perspective is our reality.

Here's another one that's true....easier said than done.  Well, this is true because no one can change your perspective but YOU.  No one can change the story in your head but YOU.  No one can create desire in you but YOU.  We all want.  We all need.  But only a few ACT.  I am tired of people telling me I can't.  Or that it will be too hard.  Or that things are out of reach. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Only I can decide when I have had enough.  Only I can decide if it's time for a change.  But am I willing to look in the mirror and focus on what needs improvement?  Scary stuff, folks.  It's a struggle every day.  It's so easy to make excuses for why I shouldn't go to the gym, or why I shouldn't make that phone call.  In the end, I have no one to blame for myself if I fall short.  My ex husband, the butt, used to see me read and read self help books. He would say to me, "I see you reading all of this, but nothing changes."  What a butt head.  But you know what?  Maybe he was right.  It didn't matter how much counseling we went to or how many self-help books we read, or in this case how many I read, cos Lord knows he never picked ONE up, or how many friends and family told us the secret to a good marriage. If WE didn't take responsibility for ourselves and apply what we had been shown, if WE weren't both willing to change ourselves instead of pointing fingers at the other, our marriage was doomed.  Isn't it the same in other endeavors?  Isn't it the same for things we try to accomplish day to day?  Isn't it still up to US ultimately?

People are interesting.

I have many things I need to work on to be a better person, a better wife, a better friend.  I have decided that these things matter to me. Because they matter, I have to endure a little discomfort and have an open mind.  I've been be-bopping along thinking that things are just fine, but it's not true.  It's not fine when my mom says she doesn't see me enough.  It isn't fine when my kids say we don't talk anymore.  It isn't fine when my friends don't invite me to dinner anymore because I always seem to say no.  It isn't fine when my husband tells me he needs more support from me.  I could defend myself in all of these scenarios.  I could give reason upon reason that really are logical as to why I haven't met these expectations, but I want to look at myself and see myself the way others see me.  They can't all be wrong all of the time.  There must be some truth to what they see.  Because they matter to me, because these relationships matter to me, I need to be able to look in that dreaded mirror.

I'm not perfect.  Far from it.  But I have reached a place in my life where I am tired of making excuses for myself. I am not a positive person.  I'm not negative, I prefer to call myself a realist.  Isn't that the mantra of all pessimists???  I am used to being misunderstood.  I am used to having to fight to be heard.  What I have to learn is when to care about someone's view of me and when it isn't worth the fight.

Are you ready for a change in your life?