From Mental Chaos to Judaism...only me

Crazy ass day!  Okay, maybe that was a really bad choice of words.  LOL

I thought I was doing all right this morning, but I just couldn't seem to focus on ANYTHING.  My mind was everywhere and nowhere.  I would find myself starting a task and then walking around the house to start another and getting frustrated because I was wasting time. Chad was sweet and called me because I guess my texts were weird. He suggested I stop everything and get to the gym or do anything that was purely about me and to shut out all tasks at hand.  Great advice.  I went to the gym for an hour and came home a new woman.  Maybe not a perfect woman, but definitely an improvement on the one walking into the gym.

I cannot tell you how important it is that Chad be in my corner the was he has been.  He doesn't always know how to respond to me.  He may set me off from time to time, but one thing is for sure.  The man loves me.  He doesn't have the answers to what is going on in my head and certainly doesn't understand why I act or feel the way I do sometimes, but it never keeps him from showing love and concern.  I don't think I could put up with me.  His quirks are not on the same scale as mine and I KNOW I don't give enough to him.  I have to work on that.  I want so badly to deserve him.

Another good thing that happened today, besides getting off my ass to sweat it out, I made an appointment with my therapist.  She knows EVERYTHING about me.  I started seeing her towards the end of my first marriage.  I was hoping she could put us back together, but what wound up happening was me realizing my children and I deserved more and that it was okay to ask for more.  Especially if I had done everything in my power to save the marriage.  It was a journey getting to that point.  I learned that I didn't need to carry the full burden of the failure that was our marriage. No...let me change that.  The marriage was not a failure.  There was love at times.  There were good times.  Most importantly, there are children.  That is NOT failure.  What failed was our relationship.  There was never respect. There was never a meeting of the minds in regards to priorities.  We were never going to be compatible.

After the divorce, I stayed with Connie, my therapist.  It was empowering.  She sees patients in her guest house.  It's very small and cozy.  It feels safe.  It's a place where you are never judged.  You are always validated, but you have to be open to criticism.  I can't always do that or have that in my day to day world.  I saw her for two years after the divorce and then weaned myself off due to time constraints.  Now I see her during extreme times.  I'm hoping that when I go next week for this "first" visit, it will once again be a routine for me.  I long for an outlet. Writing helps. Exercise helps.  Our business helps but it also takes away. My husband helps, but we are so connected that sharing pain with him is just that.  I don't want to be a source of pain even minutely.  Some problems are small enough to share with a spouse because you can carry it together.  This problem, I believe, is bigger than the both of us.

Can you imagine how hard that is?  I already feel unworthy of him.  I feel like I'm damaged goods and he deserves so much more than what I am capable of giving right now.  Knowing that my pain becomes his pain makes me feel worse.  A friend of mine told me recently that I need to let him in more.  I think they are right.  He wants to be there for me.  He needs to know how to cope with this. That can only bring us together, right?  I need to learn to look at it differently.  Maybe I'm not so much a pain.  Maybe we need to learn how to tackle this together.  Most of it will be on me, but I can't have a part of my life completely separate from him.  Hell, I hate it when he goes to work in the morning!  When he isn't here, I feel like even though I have my life and I am going about my business, I am still waiting for him. (is that a bad thing??) What am I saying?? That is not a bad thing.  I think most people would kill to have a love like that.

So, today shows that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.  The only way out is through.  There will always be tunnels though.  This isn't something that will be cured.  Only managed.

Our minds are powerful things.  Even when they are weak.  Even when they misfire.  I read something today that resonated with me.  It holds true for so many aspects of our lives.  "The only limits we have are those that exist in our minds."  All of us have the ability to succeed.  We all have the ability to be rich. (rich is different for everyone.  Doesn't necessarily refer to money) We are potential energy.  We don't succeed when we lack confidence.  When the fear is greater than the want, we become stagnate. How do we gain confidence?  We gain it by experiencing success.  How do we experience success?  By doing, by trying, by failing, by risking.  What keeps us from trying??  Fear.  Fear is not tangible.  Fear is abstract.  Fear is created.  Fear is in our minds.  It can be conquered.  It may not always be easy to conquer, but like anything else, if we want the end result bad enough, we will work through anything.

Crap!

Did I just say that?  I'll say it again.  If we want the end result bad enough, we will work through anything.  I can just see my husband shaking his head right now.

I was going to explain why, but you know what? There are some things I don't want to share.  Somethings I will keep between Chad and myself.

The Hassidic Jews are amazing.  No, that isn't a random thought.  I'm referring to keeping things between a man and his wife.  The Hassidic Jews have an amazing culture.  One that is misunderstood.  It centers around family.  Married women do not touch or show affection to their husband in public.  They do not sit with their husband in synagogue.  (as a matter of fact, all women are separate from men in synagogue) Most outsiders interpret this as men showing their dominance and importance.  It's not true. They have these customs because it keeps the married relationship sacred. It lifts it above every other relationship.  Their relationship is between them and only them. I love that.  It's a shame that our culture has evolved away from some traditions.

Well...enough rambling for today.

Shalom.




To learn all about the 90 Day Challenge...

Explaining The Mess That Is Me

One of my biggest challenges is myself.  My mind.  It doesn't work like it's supposed to.  Depression is hard to deal with.  The best way I can describe it is this...imagine there is an angel sitting on your shoulder, whispering in your ear all the wonderful things about the world, your loved ones and yourself.  Now picture, at the same time, a devil sitting on the other shoulder, whispering in your ear how undeserving you are, how people aren't to be trusted and how you are not good for anyone.  Picture that devil speaking louder than the angel and the angel is harder and harder to hear.  You try to fight it because deep down you know it's wrong and none of it makes any sense.  On good days, you can self talk and get the devil to shut his mouth, but on the bad days, you start to believe him.

There are many things that set this off for me.  A lot of it I can't identify, but there are also obvious things that can send me on a downward spiral.  Most of the time I can feel it coming on.   Other times, it hits and there's no stopping it.  I'm in the middle of a funk (as I call them) now. How do I know?  Because nothing is important to me.  That's not completely true.  My kids and my family are important to me.  I just don't know how to connect with them.  I don't know how to be vulnerable with them.  It doesn't feel safe.  All of the things that I want for myself seem out of reach because I feel unworthy of it all.  I feel out of control of my thoughts.  There is a voice that tells me that this is not reasonable.  That I am not thinking clearly.  But when the funk lasts more than a day, that voice is fainter and fainter.  I start to feel like all I want to do is withdraw from day to day activities.  Noise, even the normal kind, is bothersome.  I long for quiet.  To be alone. No one understands.  I can't explain.  They still don't understand and no one can help.  This upsets them and then it only reinforces my idea that I am not good for them to be around.

How does it end?  I don't know the answer to that either.  Sometimes I wake up and I can be me again.  Sometimes I get mad at myself and force my way back to the living.  Sometimes it lasts a long time.  For a person like me that feels most secure when they are in control and aware of their surroundings, this is a really frustrating thing to have to deal with.

I started this blog primarily to help me through my 90 Day Challenge.  To keep me on point.  That hasn't worked.  I have been inconsistent.  I have not worked out as I should.  Why?  Dealing with death has broken the wall I put up between Rachel and the depression.  It's not a normal type of mourning that I am dealing with.  I feel the need to look after my mother who is dealing with the death of her sister.  I feel the need to take care of my father, who has been literally neglecting for months with the demise of my aunt's health.  I feel the need to give my children the attention they crave.  I feel the need to love and support my husband.  I feel the need to build our business and nurture the promoters that depend on our guidance.  I'm pulled in so many directions, but I don't know where I belong in all of it.  I feel like it's a juggling act that I cannot sustain.  No matter where I put my attentions, something else is neglected.  It makes me feel even more unworthy.  It's an awful cycle.  Especially considering that all of these things I have listed, are also my sources of strength, love and validity.

I'm sure to you this all sounds completely mad.  In a way it is.  There is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I haven't learned how to cope with it.  Can you imagine what it's like to be married to me?
Are there drugs for this?  Yes. I was on meds for years and they did help me.  I'm stubborn though.  I am convinced that there has to be a way I can cope without medication.  I hate all drugs.  I have to be really uncomfortable before you will get me to take an aspirin.  Is that selfish considering how this affects those around me?  I don't know.  Maybe.  It's been my private hell for so long.  I want to conquer it on my own.

I have done so much thinking lately.  Thinking too much isn't always a good thing either. Sometimes we do things just because we feel it's expected of us.  That it's just the right thing to do.   Where is our heart in it?  Some things can only be done if you are your own motivation.  Maybe the reason I've hit a plateau with my weight loss is because I'm not doing it for myself.  Not entirely.  Then again...how do I know if any of this holds any water?  All these realizations are coming to me while I'm in a depression. How reliable is that?  My thinking is not clear.  Or is it?  Sometimes it's hard to know which is the "real" me.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you. They say our personal perception is our own reality.  What if your perception is faulty?  How do you know? When you flash back and forth between two or three ways of thinking, how do you know which is real??  Upon which do you base your decisions? Do you see the mess???

That's what it is.  A mess.  I need to figure out how to clean it up.

Just a note to say I'm alive...

Monday the 13th of February


I am coming off of an emotional weekend.

Yesterday, we laid my aunt to rest.  It was tough.  It was also nice to  be surrounded by family and see how they loved her.  What an amazing woman she was. It started out weird for me though.  The closer we got to that day, I could feel myself becoming withdrawn. It is an awful habit of mine and one that I know is difficult for my husband to deal with, but bless his heart, he does and he does so with the patience of a saint.  When I am in a vulnerable state, all I want to do is separate myself from everyone and go into protection mode.  Almost like I push everyone away. Total defense mechanism.  I even told my husband that he didn't have to come to the funeral with me.  I think everyone should go to those things with the right intentions.  Not out of obligation.  I wasn't sure where his heart was, so I thought I would give him an out.  I'm glad he went though.  He was a great source of strength for me.

Food of course was a big part of the day too.  I didn't have a shake at all.  Sad.  Just a couple of days in and already I'm messing up.  I'm back on the wagon though today and hope to get to the gym tonite.  (wonder if Chad has gone yet today...)

So much has been on hold these past few days.  Still trying to refocus and figure out what is priority.  Story of my life, I guess.

Short entry today.  I'll be better tomorrow!

Not An Ending...A Beginning.

Life gets in the way.  Death got in the way for me.

A recap...

Flashback to Monday the 6th of February.  The first real day of my Challenge.  It was a wonderful start!  I had my Vi Shake for breakfast and lunch. Chad, my husband, happened to be working mostly from home that day, so he and I took a break in the afternoon and headed to the gym for an hour of cardio. We had a healthy dinner that night too.  The only thing I could have improved on was the fact that I didn't have a snack.  I was STARVING come dinner time, so I guess between lunch and dinner I need to add a snack of some sort.   I didn't drink nearly enough water either.  Maybe 2 bottles.  That doesn't include the one I drank during my workout either.  I'm thinking I need to be with water bottle in hand at all times.  I should be peeing constantly.  Okay well, more than 3 times a day.  I like to tell myself that the more water I drink, the less room fat has in my body.  (a complete list of what I ate will be at the end of this entry)

I was really content and very excited that the first day went so well.  I had had a rough weekend going in because my Aunt Orfie whom has been fighting cancer for 16 years, was losing her battle.  I had driven over 150 miles, each way, twice in the past week to spend time with her and my mother who has been caring for her.  The demise in her health this past week has been quick, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could.  Emotional eating went along with that for me.  It could have been worse.  I don't keep certain kinds of foods in the house because I know my weaknesses.  That first day and the feeling of accomplishment at the end of it was great relief.

Chad and I were watching television when I got the call.  My mother was on the phone saying that she didn't think my aunt would last much longer.  The panic and frailty in her voice was more than I could take.  I was a deer caught in the headlights once I put the phone down.  I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't think.  I felt a strong pull to go be with her.  Chad was patient and sweet.  After a few moments he encouraged me to pack a bag and go.  I did. I reached my Aunt and my extended family that had gathered by her bedside at about 11pm that night.  I wound up staying two nights.  My aunt was fighting with every last ounce of her soul.  She was no longer the aunt I knew.  She was heavily medicated, therefore not responsive.  She was no longer eating nor drinking.  She was existing.  Each breath was labored and sometimes few and far between.  I couldn't leave her.

Come Wednesday, the nurses were no longer staying around the clock.  Her condition was unchanging so they began to come only to "check in" and gave the immediate family instructions on her day to day care. It was a waiting game.  I began to feel the pull to be with my family.  My kids.  My husband.  I felt so tore in my obligations as a mother, wife and daughter.  I didn't know where to be.  I decided to go home for an evening and then return to my aunt.  I left her and my mother reluctantly yesterday at 4pm.  Home by 7pm. As anxious as I was to get home to my family, I felt lost and pulled back to my aunt.  No matter where I was, I felt I was needed somewhere else.  I went to bed by 9 emotionally exhausted. After one hour, I couldn't stay asleep.  Stayed up til midnite and finally fell asleep sometime soon after.

It didn't last.

My phone rang at 3:30am. I answered and heard the sound of my mother's voice saying, "My sister just died." She continued to tell me that my cousin woke her saying that she had was about to medicate her mother when she saw that her heart had stopped.  I don't know what I was feeling when I hung up.  I was relieved.  Over the past two days I had held my aunt's hand letting her know how I loved her and that it was okay for her to leave us.  I had wanted the pain to end.  I had wanted her pain to end.  I had felt so alone these past few days that I startled when I realized Chad was laying next to me.  I cried in his arms on and off but managed to go to sleep after answering texts and another call from my sister.

The kids are at school, my husband left for work before I woke.  I'm feeling very alone.  If they were all home, I am not sure it would be much better for me.  I find myself angry when I realize that life is going on all around me while my aunt's life has ceased to exist.  Then I think about how beautiful she was as a person and I'm comforted, knowing that she is at peace now.  I'm all over the place.  I can't focus.  I want to drive back and get my mother and bring her home.  I think my father is doing that in the morning...so again, I sit here and wait.  I'm trying to move.  I had my shake this morning and I'm thinking of this as Day One again.

As I sit here and write this, I've made a decision.  Aunt Orfie never judged me.  She was always supportive any when those closest to me didn't understand or didn't want to take the time to listen.  She was always ready to stay up to all hours of the night with me to talk and listen to me.  She was always giving of herself.  Not just to family but to so many friends that loved her and did the same for her.  She was never alone.  Not even in her final hours.  One of the times I was sitting with her and holding her hand, I lay my head next to hers on her pillow and whispered to her all the things I was grateful for about her.  She was my aunt but she was also my mom in the sense that her importance in my life was a one of strength, love and support.  She believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself.  I asked her to let go.  I told her she could rest and stop fighting.  I told her she had made me strong and that I could stand on my own.  I told her I was going to be okay but most importantly SHE was going to be okay.  I asked her to be my angel.  I feel her now.  I feel her looking over my shoulder with approval.  I feel warmth on my arms even though my hands are cold.  She is here with me.  I will honor her by aspiring to be more like her.  She made life fun.  She didn't sweat the small stuff.  She loved everyone.  My Challenge will be inspired by her.  A woman that fought for 16 years to keep her quality of life.  Went through countless sessions of chemo.  She quietly endured vomiting, cramps, headaches, nausea, pain....I never knew.  I would call her after her chemo sessions and she would tell me it was fine.  She was fine.  She would downplay it all.  She kept fighting even when several friends around her lost their battle with cancer.  She even helped cared for them as they fought.  All the while, never complaining.  What is wrong with me???  I'm stressing over whether or not I can fit into a pair of shorts at the end of 90 days???  How stupid.  My aunt told my mother that you don't realize what strength you really possess until you are forced to face it.  She held on for 16 years plus!  I can do this Challenge and anything else that comes along.  She is a part of me.  We share the same blood.  I am a better person for knowing her.  I'm dedicating this to her.  This 90 Day Challenge is NOTHING compared to what she did and is meaningless in light of her fight, but it what I can give her now.

I left so many details out, but I still did not mean to ramble on as long as I did.  I can't write anymore.  I'm spent.

Love each other.

R

Preparation

This is truly a challenge.  I've always been one to journal.  That was safe.  This is WAY out there! This is public, but at the same time, I am journaling.  I don't see your faces.  I don't see the involuntary facial expressions as you react to what you've read. This makes it safe for me.  This allows me to be candid and pretend that it's just me sitting here.  At least until you post comments.
I am not a writer.  Just a babbler, so please, no critiques on my grammar or use of punctuation.  This is just an outlet.
Who am I?  I'm a 43 year old stay at home mom raising a blended family of five teenage boys and trying to enjoy my still-new marriage to my husband.  Talk about a challenge! In addition to dealing with day to day teenage angst, we are building a home based business.  Scary, right?  Yeah, I think so. Especially when the marriage is so new.  Not only does building a business shove a mirror in your face, exposing all of your strengths and weaknesses, but it does the same for your relationship. I knew this going in, but I really feel in my heart of hearts that no matter what, we will both be the better for it.  After surviving a failed marriage already, your perspective tends to change and you realize that the sun really does come out the next morning even when you think your world is falling apart.  What does that mean?  It means that you know that no matter how the shit hits the fan, you will still be alive to talk about it the next day.
What is happening in my life that is worth blogging about? I suppose the answer to that is subjective!  Here's MY answer...The Challenge.  The challenges surrounding The Challenge.  Yeah.  That's my answer.
What is The Challenge?  Well, the official Challenge is the next 90 days.  90 Days to achieve a goal.  My goal is to lose 10 pounds using the products of our home based business.  It's not my first challenge.  It's my third.  The first one ended up with me fitting into my size 4s after living for months in my size 8s.  The second challenge saw me hitting the gym more days than not.  Not much weight lost, maybe 5 pounds, but inches came off.  This challenge I want to lose 10 pounds.  Period.  Nothing too exciting, but it's big. Trust me.  Any woman that has struggled with those 10 pounds that leave just to come back knows exactly what I'm talking about.  Any woman that watches television or reads magazines knows how important those 10 pounds are.  Believe me.  The media says it so it must be true. (anyone notice the sarcasm?)
I plan on using this blog to help me cope with the ups and downs of these 10 pounds as I try ever so hard to kick them in the ass and send them packing if not for good, for a very long time. I wont just be blogging about weight.  I will be blogging about my family, my relationship, my voices in my head and everything else that surrounds me and pisses me off and makes me cry and keeps me going.  If this doesn't interest you, you may want to stop reading now and get to the next big thing around the corner or on the next click of your mouse.  If you are like me, if you can relate, if you want to realize that you are not alone in the struggles of your challenge, then please stay with me.  I need help.  I need something to hold on to.  It wont always be pretty, but it will always be real.  It will be a blog about weight, second marriages, blended families, teenagers, growing old, staying young, doing something to improve yourself, depression, triumphs and successes.
This has been a long time coming.  It's been something that I have played back and forth in my head to try decide if I really want to put it all out there this way.  Well, I've decided.  I hope that you will continue to follow me so that it's worth more than just an outlet for me.  You following gives it worth.  Real worth.
There will be pictures, video, (can I do video here??) and other things to keep you from getting bored.
Join me??