Not An Ending...A Beginning.

Life gets in the way.  Death got in the way for me.

A recap...

Flashback to Monday the 6th of February.  The first real day of my Challenge.  It was a wonderful start!  I had my Vi Shake for breakfast and lunch. Chad, my husband, happened to be working mostly from home that day, so he and I took a break in the afternoon and headed to the gym for an hour of cardio. We had a healthy dinner that night too.  The only thing I could have improved on was the fact that I didn't have a snack.  I was STARVING come dinner time, so I guess between lunch and dinner I need to add a snack of some sort.   I didn't drink nearly enough water either.  Maybe 2 bottles.  That doesn't include the one I drank during my workout either.  I'm thinking I need to be with water bottle in hand at all times.  I should be peeing constantly.  Okay well, more than 3 times a day.  I like to tell myself that the more water I drink, the less room fat has in my body.  (a complete list of what I ate will be at the end of this entry)

I was really content and very excited that the first day went so well.  I had had a rough weekend going in because my Aunt Orfie whom has been fighting cancer for 16 years, was losing her battle.  I had driven over 150 miles, each way, twice in the past week to spend time with her and my mother who has been caring for her.  The demise in her health this past week has been quick, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could.  Emotional eating went along with that for me.  It could have been worse.  I don't keep certain kinds of foods in the house because I know my weaknesses.  That first day and the feeling of accomplishment at the end of it was great relief.

Chad and I were watching television when I got the call.  My mother was on the phone saying that she didn't think my aunt would last much longer.  The panic and frailty in her voice was more than I could take.  I was a deer caught in the headlights once I put the phone down.  I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't think.  I felt a strong pull to go be with her.  Chad was patient and sweet.  After a few moments he encouraged me to pack a bag and go.  I did. I reached my Aunt and my extended family that had gathered by her bedside at about 11pm that night.  I wound up staying two nights.  My aunt was fighting with every last ounce of her soul.  She was no longer the aunt I knew.  She was heavily medicated, therefore not responsive.  She was no longer eating nor drinking.  She was existing.  Each breath was labored and sometimes few and far between.  I couldn't leave her.

Come Wednesday, the nurses were no longer staying around the clock.  Her condition was unchanging so they began to come only to "check in" and gave the immediate family instructions on her day to day care. It was a waiting game.  I began to feel the pull to be with my family.  My kids.  My husband.  I felt so tore in my obligations as a mother, wife and daughter.  I didn't know where to be.  I decided to go home for an evening and then return to my aunt.  I left her and my mother reluctantly yesterday at 4pm.  Home by 7pm. As anxious as I was to get home to my family, I felt lost and pulled back to my aunt.  No matter where I was, I felt I was needed somewhere else.  I went to bed by 9 emotionally exhausted. After one hour, I couldn't stay asleep.  Stayed up til midnite and finally fell asleep sometime soon after.

It didn't last.

My phone rang at 3:30am. I answered and heard the sound of my mother's voice saying, "My sister just died." She continued to tell me that my cousin woke her saying that she had was about to medicate her mother when she saw that her heart had stopped.  I don't know what I was feeling when I hung up.  I was relieved.  Over the past two days I had held my aunt's hand letting her know how I loved her and that it was okay for her to leave us.  I had wanted the pain to end.  I had wanted her pain to end.  I had felt so alone these past few days that I startled when I realized Chad was laying next to me.  I cried in his arms on and off but managed to go to sleep after answering texts and another call from my sister.

The kids are at school, my husband left for work before I woke.  I'm feeling very alone.  If they were all home, I am not sure it would be much better for me.  I find myself angry when I realize that life is going on all around me while my aunt's life has ceased to exist.  Then I think about how beautiful she was as a person and I'm comforted, knowing that she is at peace now.  I'm all over the place.  I can't focus.  I want to drive back and get my mother and bring her home.  I think my father is doing that in the morning...so again, I sit here and wait.  I'm trying to move.  I had my shake this morning and I'm thinking of this as Day One again.

As I sit here and write this, I've made a decision.  Aunt Orfie never judged me.  She was always supportive any when those closest to me didn't understand or didn't want to take the time to listen.  She was always ready to stay up to all hours of the night with me to talk and listen to me.  She was always giving of herself.  Not just to family but to so many friends that loved her and did the same for her.  She was never alone.  Not even in her final hours.  One of the times I was sitting with her and holding her hand, I lay my head next to hers on her pillow and whispered to her all the things I was grateful for about her.  She was my aunt but she was also my mom in the sense that her importance in my life was a one of strength, love and support.  She believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself.  I asked her to let go.  I told her she could rest and stop fighting.  I told her she had made me strong and that I could stand on my own.  I told her I was going to be okay but most importantly SHE was going to be okay.  I asked her to be my angel.  I feel her now.  I feel her looking over my shoulder with approval.  I feel warmth on my arms even though my hands are cold.  She is here with me.  I will honor her by aspiring to be more like her.  She made life fun.  She didn't sweat the small stuff.  She loved everyone.  My Challenge will be inspired by her.  A woman that fought for 16 years to keep her quality of life.  Went through countless sessions of chemo.  She quietly endured vomiting, cramps, headaches, nausea, pain....I never knew.  I would call her after her chemo sessions and she would tell me it was fine.  She was fine.  She would downplay it all.  She kept fighting even when several friends around her lost their battle with cancer.  She even helped cared for them as they fought.  All the while, never complaining.  What is wrong with me???  I'm stressing over whether or not I can fit into a pair of shorts at the end of 90 days???  How stupid.  My aunt told my mother that you don't realize what strength you really possess until you are forced to face it.  She held on for 16 years plus!  I can do this Challenge and anything else that comes along.  She is a part of me.  We share the same blood.  I am a better person for knowing her.  I'm dedicating this to her.  This 90 Day Challenge is NOTHING compared to what she did and is meaningless in light of her fight, but it what I can give her now.

I left so many details out, but I still did not mean to ramble on as long as I did.  I can't write anymore.  I'm spent.

Love each other.

R