Explaining The Mess That Is Me

One of my biggest challenges is myself.  My mind.  It doesn't work like it's supposed to.  Depression is hard to deal with.  The best way I can describe it is this...imagine there is an angel sitting on your shoulder, whispering in your ear all the wonderful things about the world, your loved ones and yourself.  Now picture, at the same time, a devil sitting on the other shoulder, whispering in your ear how undeserving you are, how people aren't to be trusted and how you are not good for anyone.  Picture that devil speaking louder than the angel and the angel is harder and harder to hear.  You try to fight it because deep down you know it's wrong and none of it makes any sense.  On good days, you can self talk and get the devil to shut his mouth, but on the bad days, you start to believe him.

There are many things that set this off for me.  A lot of it I can't identify, but there are also obvious things that can send me on a downward spiral.  Most of the time I can feel it coming on.   Other times, it hits and there's no stopping it.  I'm in the middle of a funk (as I call them) now. How do I know?  Because nothing is important to me.  That's not completely true.  My kids and my family are important to me.  I just don't know how to connect with them.  I don't know how to be vulnerable with them.  It doesn't feel safe.  All of the things that I want for myself seem out of reach because I feel unworthy of it all.  I feel out of control of my thoughts.  There is a voice that tells me that this is not reasonable.  That I am not thinking clearly.  But when the funk lasts more than a day, that voice is fainter and fainter.  I start to feel like all I want to do is withdraw from day to day activities.  Noise, even the normal kind, is bothersome.  I long for quiet.  To be alone. No one understands.  I can't explain.  They still don't understand and no one can help.  This upsets them and then it only reinforces my idea that I am not good for them to be around.

How does it end?  I don't know the answer to that either.  Sometimes I wake up and I can be me again.  Sometimes I get mad at myself and force my way back to the living.  Sometimes it lasts a long time.  For a person like me that feels most secure when they are in control and aware of their surroundings, this is a really frustrating thing to have to deal with.

I started this blog primarily to help me through my 90 Day Challenge.  To keep me on point.  That hasn't worked.  I have been inconsistent.  I have not worked out as I should.  Why?  Dealing with death has broken the wall I put up between Rachel and the depression.  It's not a normal type of mourning that I am dealing with.  I feel the need to look after my mother who is dealing with the death of her sister.  I feel the need to take care of my father, who has been literally neglecting for months with the demise of my aunt's health.  I feel the need to give my children the attention they crave.  I feel the need to love and support my husband.  I feel the need to build our business and nurture the promoters that depend on our guidance.  I'm pulled in so many directions, but I don't know where I belong in all of it.  I feel like it's a juggling act that I cannot sustain.  No matter where I put my attentions, something else is neglected.  It makes me feel even more unworthy.  It's an awful cycle.  Especially considering that all of these things I have listed, are also my sources of strength, love and validity.

I'm sure to you this all sounds completely mad.  In a way it is.  There is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I haven't learned how to cope with it.  Can you imagine what it's like to be married to me?
Are there drugs for this?  Yes. I was on meds for years and they did help me.  I'm stubborn though.  I am convinced that there has to be a way I can cope without medication.  I hate all drugs.  I have to be really uncomfortable before you will get me to take an aspirin.  Is that selfish considering how this affects those around me?  I don't know.  Maybe.  It's been my private hell for so long.  I want to conquer it on my own.

I have done so much thinking lately.  Thinking too much isn't always a good thing either. Sometimes we do things just because we feel it's expected of us.  That it's just the right thing to do.   Where is our heart in it?  Some things can only be done if you are your own motivation.  Maybe the reason I've hit a plateau with my weight loss is because I'm not doing it for myself.  Not entirely.  Then again...how do I know if any of this holds any water?  All these realizations are coming to me while I'm in a depression. How reliable is that?  My thinking is not clear.  Or is it?  Sometimes it's hard to know which is the "real" me.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you. They say our personal perception is our own reality.  What if your perception is faulty?  How do you know? When you flash back and forth between two or three ways of thinking, how do you know which is real??  Upon which do you base your decisions? Do you see the mess???

That's what it is.  A mess.  I need to figure out how to clean it up.