Hello??? Is this thing on???
That's how I feel. OFTEN.
Someone said to me today,"Cheer up!" Believe me, I appreciate the effort and I know there are some people who genuinely care and I also know that some people try to make you feel better because it's a knee-jerk reaction for them. It would be like walking next to someone laying on the street without helping them. It just can't be done. I want to be able to determine which are genuine. I can't seem to get it right. I have a hard time trusting.
Everyone wants to be happy, right? Why? Things never go the way I want them to. When I start to feel happy about something, the clock starts ticking. It's never long before something takes that feeling away. I want to learn how to really "give in" to being happy, to really learning to "let go" and enjoy that feeling. Why? If "happy" was a hill and the happier you are the "higher" you are, it just means that when the bubble bursts, the fall is that much harder.
Little things used to make me feel better. I could brush my hair...get dressed...put on make-up....go to the salon....see a friend...get outside...move around.... These things could make me feel better. Now not so much. Now it either feels like I'm putting a band-aid on a gaping wound or that I am lying to myself.
My kids are the only ones I can put a strong face on for. They can get me to focus. No one else. No one else needs me. No one else really needs me. Gotta be real. It's the truth.
How do I feel? I feel insignificant. I feel in the way. I feel like people expect me to serve a purpose otherwise, my existence is insignificant.
Is this my depression talking? I can't answer that. Not til the cobwebs clear anyway. I think there is a LOT of truth to what I am saying now even after the cobwebs clear. Maybe I don't feel it in such an extreme way. I fight this every day.
Even now, this has taken me forever to write because I have typed and deleted over and over and over, because what I typed may seem too shocking or God forbid, I embarrass someone. I am censoring myself. This is the rated PG version, sorry.
I don't really know what's real. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I want to be real. It's everything around me that I question. Sometimes those around me think that they know what's in my head or why I act or think the way I do. I hate that so much. How arrogant of anyone to think that they know me like that.
There are a lot of people "close" to me that think I should be positive all the time. At least only post things that are positive. My Facebook makes them cringe so I can only imagine what this blog makes them feel like. But you know what? I will reserve the right to censor myself. No one else will have that power over me. I am honest and I am real. I am not here to be what you or anyone thinks I should be or portray. We are all knee deep in shit, came out of shit, or shit is right around the corner. I'm real with mine. It doesn't define who I am. Those that are turned off by this, can scroll past and it wont hurt me. It's better that way.
this is my mess.
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