From Mental Chaos to Judaism...only me

Crazy ass day!  Okay, maybe that was a really bad choice of words.  LOL

I thought I was doing all right this morning, but I just couldn't seem to focus on ANYTHING.  My mind was everywhere and nowhere.  I would find myself starting a task and then walking around the house to start another and getting frustrated because I was wasting time. Chad was sweet and called me because I guess my texts were weird. He suggested I stop everything and get to the gym or do anything that was purely about me and to shut out all tasks at hand.  Great advice.  I went to the gym for an hour and came home a new woman.  Maybe not a perfect woman, but definitely an improvement on the one walking into the gym.

I cannot tell you how important it is that Chad be in my corner the was he has been.  He doesn't always know how to respond to me.  He may set me off from time to time, but one thing is for sure.  The man loves me.  He doesn't have the answers to what is going on in my head and certainly doesn't understand why I act or feel the way I do sometimes, but it never keeps him from showing love and concern.  I don't think I could put up with me.  His quirks are not on the same scale as mine and I KNOW I don't give enough to him.  I have to work on that.  I want so badly to deserve him.

Another good thing that happened today, besides getting off my ass to sweat it out, I made an appointment with my therapist.  She knows EVERYTHING about me.  I started seeing her towards the end of my first marriage.  I was hoping she could put us back together, but what wound up happening was me realizing my children and I deserved more and that it was okay to ask for more.  Especially if I had done everything in my power to save the marriage.  It was a journey getting to that point.  I learned that I didn't need to carry the full burden of the failure that was our marriage. No...let me change that.  The marriage was not a failure.  There was love at times.  There were good times.  Most importantly, there are children.  That is NOT failure.  What failed was our relationship.  There was never respect. There was never a meeting of the minds in regards to priorities.  We were never going to be compatible.

After the divorce, I stayed with Connie, my therapist.  It was empowering.  She sees patients in her guest house.  It's very small and cozy.  It feels safe.  It's a place where you are never judged.  You are always validated, but you have to be open to criticism.  I can't always do that or have that in my day to day world.  I saw her for two years after the divorce and then weaned myself off due to time constraints.  Now I see her during extreme times.  I'm hoping that when I go next week for this "first" visit, it will once again be a routine for me.  I long for an outlet. Writing helps. Exercise helps.  Our business helps but it also takes away. My husband helps, but we are so connected that sharing pain with him is just that.  I don't want to be a source of pain even minutely.  Some problems are small enough to share with a spouse because you can carry it together.  This problem, I believe, is bigger than the both of us.

Can you imagine how hard that is?  I already feel unworthy of him.  I feel like I'm damaged goods and he deserves so much more than what I am capable of giving right now.  Knowing that my pain becomes his pain makes me feel worse.  A friend of mine told me recently that I need to let him in more.  I think they are right.  He wants to be there for me.  He needs to know how to cope with this. That can only bring us together, right?  I need to learn to look at it differently.  Maybe I'm not so much a pain.  Maybe we need to learn how to tackle this together.  Most of it will be on me, but I can't have a part of my life completely separate from him.  Hell, I hate it when he goes to work in the morning!  When he isn't here, I feel like even though I have my life and I am going about my business, I am still waiting for him. (is that a bad thing??) What am I saying?? That is not a bad thing.  I think most people would kill to have a love like that.

So, today shows that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.  The only way out is through.  There will always be tunnels though.  This isn't something that will be cured.  Only managed.

Our minds are powerful things.  Even when they are weak.  Even when they misfire.  I read something today that resonated with me.  It holds true for so many aspects of our lives.  "The only limits we have are those that exist in our minds."  All of us have the ability to succeed.  We all have the ability to be rich. (rich is different for everyone.  Doesn't necessarily refer to money) We are potential energy.  We don't succeed when we lack confidence.  When the fear is greater than the want, we become stagnate. How do we gain confidence?  We gain it by experiencing success.  How do we experience success?  By doing, by trying, by failing, by risking.  What keeps us from trying??  Fear.  Fear is not tangible.  Fear is abstract.  Fear is created.  Fear is in our minds.  It can be conquered.  It may not always be easy to conquer, but like anything else, if we want the end result bad enough, we will work through anything.

Crap!

Did I just say that?  I'll say it again.  If we want the end result bad enough, we will work through anything.  I can just see my husband shaking his head right now.

I was going to explain why, but you know what? There are some things I don't want to share.  Somethings I will keep between Chad and myself.

The Hassidic Jews are amazing.  No, that isn't a random thought.  I'm referring to keeping things between a man and his wife.  The Hassidic Jews have an amazing culture.  One that is misunderstood.  It centers around family.  Married women do not touch or show affection to their husband in public.  They do not sit with their husband in synagogue.  (as a matter of fact, all women are separate from men in synagogue) Most outsiders interpret this as men showing their dominance and importance.  It's not true. They have these customs because it keeps the married relationship sacred. It lifts it above every other relationship.  Their relationship is between them and only them. I love that.  It's a shame that our culture has evolved away from some traditions.

Well...enough rambling for today.

Shalom.




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